Sunday, April 3rd, 2016
As my life feels like it's finally coming together, there seem to be forces out there making me face my past. Maybe not face it, but definitely pushing me towards sharing my story and getting involved in helping others who are going through what I went through.
I was a battered woman for over 12 years. I dealt with more physical and mental abuse than I could ever describe or would ever want to. I've blocked so much of it out of my mind for so long but everyday something else comes my way that reminds me of it. It all started with a speech I gave at Toastmasters not long ago. I had to talk about myself, and try as I might to write a speech about many other topics, something in my gut told me I had to talk about my past. It wasn't a long speech, and I didn't give great detail. I just talked about the three things that happened that caused me to get out.
Next, Crystal Hamilton was shot and killed by her abusive husband. Her story broke my heart and all I could think about was how lucky I was that we hadn't had guns in our home. He didn't drink, he didn't do drugs, he didn't have guns. Those three facts are probably why I'm alive today. Unfortunately, Crystal and many other women weren't so lucky. As her friends and family reel and mourn and try to figure out what they could have done differently, why they didn't know how bad it was I can only say it's because she didn't want you to know. We hide it because we're ashamed. We hide it because we think we deserve it. We hide it because we don't want you to hate them. You have to understand, we're not crazy. Not everyday is terrible or we wouldn't stay. There are many days that things are good, you don't realize when you're living it that even on those "good" days, you are walking on eggshells, waiting for the other shoe to drop. You're just happy that things aren't bad today and that makes your happiness even brighter. Trying to figure out how I could have helped Crystal, a woman I never met, may drive me mad. I feel like the answer is just beyond my grasp. I lay and think about it. I sit and think about it. I stand and think about it. I remember being her and I don't know how to convey what I did, what I went through, and how I got out, in a way that would, could, should help others. It feels like a puzzle that I can't find all of the pieces to. I will keep trying. This is my start.
Last week I had dental surgery. The surgery was to fix teeth that were broken in my past. I waited almost 20 years for this. And though the physical wounds were gone long ago, the mental wounds never seem to go away. My teeth were just another one of those mental wounds at this point. I constantly heard his voice in my head when I looked in the mirror and smiled. "Who's going to want you now?" My self consciousness was frustrating to say the least. I'm not sure I even remember who I was before. I'm hoping to find her when this whole process is complete. However, as I heal from this surgery, I am overwhelmed by emotion when I look in the mirror and see my face bruised and swollen as it was in the past. I have to keep reminding myself that this time it's for a good reason. To put those demons in the past, to get rid of that voice just a little bit more.
Now as I move forward, I try to figure out how I can continue to heal and to help others. There is an answer. I will find it. This is a good first step.
MW
Copyright 2016
As my life feels like it's finally coming together, there seem to be forces out there making me face my past. Maybe not face it, but definitely pushing me towards sharing my story and getting involved in helping others who are going through what I went through.
I was a battered woman for over 12 years. I dealt with more physical and mental abuse than I could ever describe or would ever want to. I've blocked so much of it out of my mind for so long but everyday something else comes my way that reminds me of it. It all started with a speech I gave at Toastmasters not long ago. I had to talk about myself, and try as I might to write a speech about many other topics, something in my gut told me I had to talk about my past. It wasn't a long speech, and I didn't give great detail. I just talked about the three things that happened that caused me to get out.
Next, Crystal Hamilton was shot and killed by her abusive husband. Her story broke my heart and all I could think about was how lucky I was that we hadn't had guns in our home. He didn't drink, he didn't do drugs, he didn't have guns. Those three facts are probably why I'm alive today. Unfortunately, Crystal and many other women weren't so lucky. As her friends and family reel and mourn and try to figure out what they could have done differently, why they didn't know how bad it was I can only say it's because she didn't want you to know. We hide it because we're ashamed. We hide it because we think we deserve it. We hide it because we don't want you to hate them. You have to understand, we're not crazy. Not everyday is terrible or we wouldn't stay. There are many days that things are good, you don't realize when you're living it that even on those "good" days, you are walking on eggshells, waiting for the other shoe to drop. You're just happy that things aren't bad today and that makes your happiness even brighter. Trying to figure out how I could have helped Crystal, a woman I never met, may drive me mad. I feel like the answer is just beyond my grasp. I lay and think about it. I sit and think about it. I stand and think about it. I remember being her and I don't know how to convey what I did, what I went through, and how I got out, in a way that would, could, should help others. It feels like a puzzle that I can't find all of the pieces to. I will keep trying. This is my start.
Last week I had dental surgery. The surgery was to fix teeth that were broken in my past. I waited almost 20 years for this. And though the physical wounds were gone long ago, the mental wounds never seem to go away. My teeth were just another one of those mental wounds at this point. I constantly heard his voice in my head when I looked in the mirror and smiled. "Who's going to want you now?" My self consciousness was frustrating to say the least. I'm not sure I even remember who I was before. I'm hoping to find her when this whole process is complete. However, as I heal from this surgery, I am overwhelmed by emotion when I look in the mirror and see my face bruised and swollen as it was in the past. I have to keep reminding myself that this time it's for a good reason. To put those demons in the past, to get rid of that voice just a little bit more.
Now as I move forward, I try to figure out how I can continue to heal and to help others. There is an answer. I will find it. This is a good first step.
MW
Copyright 2016
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